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Shakeup in the airline business


From booking fees to baggage charges, airlines faced with ever increasing pressures on their revenues have had to resort to new, imaginative ways to raise extra money from passengers.

The suspicions of one passenger were aroused recently on a Southeast Airlines flight from Miami to San Diego. Bessie Wagenstock from Prattville, Alabama, couldn’t sleep because somebody was kicking her seat from behind. When she turned around she discovered that the culprit was a flight attendant.

In a leaked memo from European budget airline, Headwinds.com, cabin crews have been directed to introduce a sleep quota, whereby passengers are only permitted to doze off for a period of one tenth of the duration of their trip. If they exceed the quota flight attendants are expected to jolt them awake by “accidentally” spilling a cold drink on their crotch area.

In Russia, Aeroflop pilots have been instructed to "shake things up a little" by creating sudden and traumatic turbulence every forty to forty-five minutes to keep passengers awake and alert.

A spokeswoman for Southeast, who wished to remain anonymous, explained their thinking – “In-flight catering is a significant revenue generator and must be increased. A sleeping passenger is not a spending passenger.”

One initiative mentioned in the memo but unlikely to be adopted was the introduction of laxatives into onboard drinks.

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