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Scientists unearth new demographic


CHICAGO, ILLINOIS—These days, marketers and social scientists outdo themselves categorizing consumers, voters and the rest of us fools under different headings according to our age, race, gender and the type of weapons we carry. Terms such as Generations X, Y, Z, Millennials, Boomers, Zoomers and Loners have replaced more quaint monikers like married-with-children, empty nesters and f**king lunatics.

But alas, a new demographic has surfaced – a group whose existence has long been suspected but never proven. Social scientists have termed them – Gloomers. According to scientist, Professor Hillman Hunter, fellow at the Institute for Pigeon Holing – Gloomers are Boomers who have little or no interest in becoming Zoomers. But they shouldn’t be confused with Doomers, who spend a disproportionate amount of time in public libraries.

Professor Hunter describes Gloomers as – “Serious, melancholic individuals who are prone to missing buses. They buy 77% of all prescription drugs, 61% of over-the-counter drugs, and 80% of all umbrellas. Gloomers lack ambition, question the logic of air travel and suffer insomnia from the thoughts of anal bleaching.”

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