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Unsatisfactory end to a sticky evening


MEDFORD, OREGON—A 55 year-old man is suing the manufacturer of K-Jel, a popular personal lubricant, claiming the label on the container grossly understated the product’s quick drying properties.

Toothpick salesman, Bradford Kettel, is seeking an apology and compensation (though not necessarily in that order) from K-Jel after he was left stuck to his bedsheets for eighteen hours following a night of intimacy with his wife, Doris.

An emotional Mr. Kettel appeared outside court earlier today and recounted his nightmare to waiting journalists. Describing himself as a man of limited means and even less sex appeal, Mr. Kettel went on to explain that due to his inability to sexually arouse his wife, he is reliant on personal lubricant that he buys by the gallon at his local Costco.

On the night in question Mr. Kettel coated his entire body with the said product with the intention of, in his words – increasing the odds of penetrative sex. By the time he’d prepped himself it was too late. Doris had fallen asleep, and the lubricant had dried leaving Mr. Kettel stuck to his bedsheets, unable to move.

The following morning, Doris left for work oblivious to the fact that her sleeping husband and the bed had become one. He remained fixed in that position until later on that evening when he was forcibly peeled from the bed by his mother-in-law and members of her astrology club.

Outside the court, Mr. Kettel grew even more emotional when he realized that the waiting crowd weren’t journalists, but a group of Mennonites on a sightseeing visit.

It’s not the first time K-Jel has appeared in the news. In late 2015, Hector Gonzalez, a sombrero tester from Hermosillo, Mexico, mistook the lubricant for a mouthwash and lost twenty-seven fillings.

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