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Brexiters shocked at lack of deportations

STONEWELL, ENGLAND—Dickie Hemlock was more than a little surprised to find that not much had changed following his country’s vote to leave the European Union. Hemlock, a quality control officer at a local Marmite factory, was livid to find his Scottish neighbors still living next door.

“They promised that this would be fixed,” he lamented, still suffering a sore head following victory celebrations. “Why is it that, a full week after we voted out of Europe, I still have bloody foreigners living on my street? My father, my father’s father, his father’s mother, her mother’s brother, his brother’s uncle, his uncle’s aunt who was falsely accused of being his sister, all fought to put the great into Great Britain—if this is democracy, they can f**king shove it.”

Meanwhile, his wife, Dotty, a spritely pork pie maker in her sixties, lamented blowing her life savings on six month’s supply of food from her local Indian Tandoori restaurant. “They promised us that these people would be deported back to the colonies so before they left I decided to stock up. I couldn’t do without my jalfrezi. But now that they’re still here, I’m looking for a refund.”


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