• News Desk

Vancouver suicide rate set to jump

VANCOUVER BC–The controversial $35 million overhaul of the city’s Burrard Bridge is underway. The upgrade includes additional bike lanes, Dead Sea Scrolls-inspired traffic patterns, and an outer lane on the bridge’s west side to be designated “yoga only”.

The additional lanes are a surprise given the city has more Bentleys than bicycles, but it’s the proposed new suicide barriers being erected on both sides of the bridge that are causing the most controversy.

Last night, City Council sources were denying that the barriers were in anticipation of a spike in suicides among Vancouver motorists suffering stress due to extra traffic delays during construction work.

But locals have been vocal in their objections to the upgrade. 83 year-old Vancouver motorist, Axel Fenderburg, is at his wits end – “I’ve had it. First they’re trying to slow my access to the city, now with this freakin’ suicide barrier, they’re denying me the right to express how I really feel about it.”

Scaling the two meter-high barrier will be a problem for suicidal motorists, but in a worrying development, gym equipment stores across the city have reported an increase in sales of trampolines, while on Thursday, police arrested a distraught woman who, after being stuck on the bridge for ten minutes, jumped out of her car and attempted to clear the barrier with a pole vault.



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