TV Channel admits to faking weather reports
EUGENE, OREGON—The independent weather channel, Cloud-10 TV, has admitted to embellishing weather reports in a desperate attempt to stem the tide of falling ratings.
A spokeswoman for the Eugene-based station explained—"it's all about getting audiences to tune in and keeping them tuned in. We’ve had weathermen appear in drag, weather girls on ponies, one meteorologist tried to sexually assault himself with a barometer, then we stumbled upon the notion of “packaging” the weather.”
“I guess we're probably guilty of exaggeration—when we talk about rainfall amounts we’re inclined to utter terms like ‘biblical' when we really mean ‘persistent', or ramping up a storm by a category or two, but is it not better to prepare people for the worst? We never wanted to be accused of understating weather conditions, that would be a dereliction of duty.”
The admission comes hot on the heels of a story about two hundred residents from a local town who boarded themselves up in an underground shelter for nine days in anticipation of a “community-killing” tornado. Needless to say, weather conditions above ground were a little blustery but the much-feared tornado never materialized.
The spokeswoman, pointing at a satellite monitor, defended the station—“We spotted a tornado headed their way. On the monitor it looked super-f**king-big, like a community-killing, swirling blob of death, hence our description."
“Cloud-10's all about bringing communities closer together. From what we hear, those nine days turned out to be an invaluable bonding event for that community, one that the townsfolk will remember for a long time, even those who need therapy after the experience.”